Do you remember your first suicide note?

Do you remember your first suicide note? Do you remember who your anger was being directed at with each stroke of the pen? Do you remember whose face you seen through the tears I’m sure were flowing?  I don’t know why I find myself asking these questions. Maybe it’s because I stumbled across the police report that came with my last successful suicide attempt today. I guess I shouldn’t say stumbled across it, after all, I’ve known where it has been for the past almost 7 years. Safely tucked away in the same bag that once held everything I owned, along with a bible and the shirt that was given to me by a nurse who let me know I had died on the way to the hospital after swallowing 145 valiums at my wife’s request.

I’ve been writing suicide notes for as long as I can remember, in fact, I’m pretty sure I wrote my first suicide note in crayon. I don’t know why I’ve always had this discontent with being on this side of life. I can’t even give you a maybe it was this or that something another in my life that has caused me to feel this way because I honestly don’t know why. Sometimes I wonder if I could remember what the 6-year-old me wrote on that first note maybe it would shed a little light on it. But for the life of me, I can’t. even remember what color crayon I used let alone what I wrote. The only thing I’m sure of is that several words were probably misspelled and as for proper grammar. Well... if you’ve been reading anything, I’ve written then YOU KNOW!

There are a lot of reasons why someone may want to stop their next up-and-coming heartbeat from ever arriving. Maybe the one true someone or another that swore they couldn’t live without you suddenly told you that it would be best if you separated for a bit. Maybe it's because of the stack of unpaid bills you’ve been staring at wondering how you will ever pay them since you recently lost your job due to something out of your control. It could even be something simple like having someone or whoever listens while you explain what the voices have been encouraging you to do. The keyword being “Listen”.

Most people say that the reason why some of us want to take tomorrow off our to-do list is that we are weak and can’t handle the pressures of life. I say to those folks that you have no idea what strength it takes to hold a loaded gun under your chin, to tie a noose around your neck, or stare at the ground from several feet above asking whoever you’re sure isn’t listening to give you one good reason why you shouldn’t take a swan dive into the street below. So, believe me, weakness has absolutely nothing to do with it. Another common misconception is that people threaten suicide just to get attention and even though I don’t completely disagree with that statement. Have you ever asked yourself why they are trying to get attention?

Suicide doesn’t care about who you are, where you came from, or where you are today. It doesn’t care if you are young or if you’re old. You could have all the wealth anyone could want, or you could be broke suicide doesn’t care. The only thing suicide is concerned with is allowing you to feel the peace that only comes seconds before you die by your own hands. So, before you go passing judgment on all the reasons you don’t understand why a loved one took their last breath. Remember you aren’t that person whose funeral you’re attending.

If you are feeling like tomorrow just isn’t for you, please contact the suicide hotline immediately.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
800-273-8255

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